Whatever You Do, DO NOT Sign Me Up

When you think of entering mommyhood, you think of the trips to the zoo, Halloween costumes, baseball games, playing at the park – you know, the memories where everything happens in slow motion and there is lots of giggling and Hallmark music in the background? I’m not saying that doesn’t happen, but what you don’t think of – and don’t prepare for – are the things that employers list as “Other duties as assigned” on job postings. I’m not talking about late night feedings, blow outs or temper tantrums because we’re all logical adults – we knew those things would happen, but we were willing to accept them if they included the Hallmark moments.

However, on the job posting of mommyhood, if they spelled out the “Other duties as assigned,” it would include “You must spend time with other moms, many of whom are crazy and need a reality check.” Though, even then if I would have read that, I still probably would have laughed a little laugh at that line and thought, “Oh yeah, when she’s in soccer, there will be other moms who take it a bit too seriously and yell at the coach or have a really detailed snack list with the do’s and don’ts of what to bring for the post-game snack. I’ve heard all about that, but whatever…” And then Cambria went to daycare and I ran head first into the PTA.

That’s right. There’s a PTA at her DAYCARE!! At first, I was a little shocked, but it seemed to only include e-mail updates, room parents (who are never dads) and a few teacher appreciation events. Yes, the room parent aspect in a daycare (I need to keep reminding you that she is 16 months and not in a public elementary school) was a bit confusing to me, but when I asked the room mom what her job duties included, she said it was to bring cupcakes for the teachers’ birthdays or communicate any room parties or events. Sure, ok, I thought I would wait until Cambria was in kindergarten for this, but if you really want to spend your time icing cupcakes, then go for it.

And then there was Spirit Week. “In observance of Spirit Week, please dress your child in a fun and wacky way each day, following the schedule. Monday is Favorite Character Day; Tuesday is Wacky Dress and Hair Day; Wednesday is Luau Day…” Spirit Week for what? Are the preschoolers participating in a Homecoming football game that I know nothing about? Is there a dance or something I should be prepared for? Cambria doesn’t have a favorite character – well, maybe Big Bird, but that’s a long shot and she doesn’t have a Big Bird shirt. And, there’s no way in hell I’m going to buy her a special Big Bird shirt for her to wear for Character Day at her daycare!

But, nothing prepared me for the cookie dough fundraiser that soon followed:

PTA President: Cookie dough sales are here! Your order form is in your box. Please remember that sales aren’t limited to just you – ask your family, friends or neighbors if they’re interested too.

Me: Are you serious? October Fool’s! You got me.

PTA President: I never kid. I don’t know how. If you don’t take cookie dough sales seriously, I will never talk to you again.

Me: You know I pay every week for my child to be at the DAYCARE right? I mean, I pay really, really well. Why should I ask my friends to buy cookie dough to support a for-profit daycare center?

PTA President: I will cut your kid if you don’t buy 10 tubs of cookie dough.

Ok, so that never happened, but it didn’t happen because I was afraid that would be the ending. Those moms are CRAZY! They spend their time thinking of fundraisers, theme parties, parades and dress-up days for 1 year olds. They’d much rather do a play date than happy hour; watch their baby sleep than take a nap themselves; or do crafts than watch Gossip Girl. I will never get those moms. And I will now read the fine print on “Other duties as assigned.”

TSIB!
-M