Out of the Mouths of Moms (Stuff I Never Thought I’d Say)

-Yes, you can play your Nintendo DS, the computer, watch hours of TV, whatever…just give mommy time to breathe.
-I guess I will just have the leftover chicken nuggets for my dinner.
-If you don’t put your shoes on right now, I am leaving you all by yourself (to a five year old).
-Just prop her bottle up so I can finish my dinner.
-Do you want to see my c-section scar? It’s not THAT bad.
-Her baby is ugly.
-Yes, sweetheart. It’s ok to put balls in your mouth.
-Stop licking Kobe.
-Stop licking the table.
-Just put your tongue in your mouth.
-I need to brush your teeth to get the crayon pieces out.
-I will trade you sex for letting me sleep in tomorrow.

Things That Will Never Come Out of My Mouth

Here is a fun little list. Heidi's entries in gray, Melissa's in blue. We'd love to hear your additions!

- Hurry up and get the kids to bed…I am jonesin to have some sex.
- Is it bedtime already? I have so much energy left to burn!
- I just feel so guilty for spending so much time focusing on myself.
- Nursing is so care-free. I don’t know why the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t recommend doing it for longer than one year.
- Shhhh! Is that my bundle of joy I hear on the monitor? Let me get her out of her crib…you stay in bed sweetie.
- I need to beef up – I am just skin and bones.
- I really want to stay home and home school the kids.
- I could do this alone. I don’t need Ryan.
- I don’t need a night away. But, you go ahead and take as much time as you need, honey.
- One more? Hell, let’s read 10 more books. Preferably the same ones over and over.
- I want to give you a bath every day.
- Let me change your kid’s poopy diaper.
- Let’s stay at the zoo all day long and go to every exhibit.
- Can I bring my baby to girls’ night?
- No, I’d prefer you didn’t take her to your parents’ house. I don’t know what I’d do with an hour to myself.

Open Letter to Restaurant Servers

Dear Restaurant Servers (because apparently “waiter” and “waitress” is now offensive):

Thank you for shaking your head to the hostess when you see us coming in the door. Thank you for rolling your eyes when you see us sitting in your section. Thank you for acting like my baby doesn’t exist when talking to us even though it says “family restaurant” on all of your signage and menus. And, thank you for being annoyed when my baby snatches the pen out of your apron as you stood right next to her, pretending she didn’t exist. Thank you for making my restaurant experiences after entering mommyhood so enjoyable. I also very much want pack up half of my kitchen so that I can come eat at your restaurant, only to spend the time trying to keep my baby quiet, happy and fed so that I am not a disturbance on you or my fellow diners.

I also want to thank you for setting glasses full of water, steak knives and hot plates within reaching distance (or sometimes right in front) of my baby. Thank you for looking at me with disgust when she reaches for these things because, you’re right, she should know not to reach for these things. I mean, she is 14 months. Thank you for acting put out when I ask for some crackers for my baby to eat. I know it’s hard to grab the already packaged crackers that you serve with soup or salad from right inside the kitchen.

Thank you also for acting like my baby is the only one who makes a mess under her high chair. I know it’s especially annoying since you will most likely not be the one to clean it up, but will snatch up the tip. Thank you for taking forever to bring me the check at the end of the meal. It’s fine that my baby is now standing up in her high chair and screaming – take your time. We are enjoying a night out more than you can imagine.

I especially want to thank you for making a voo doo doll of me when you (presumably) realize I didn’t leave you a good tip. Thank you for assuming that I will leave you a good tip just because I had a baby in tow who made a mess your bus boy will have to pick up (wait, if “waiter” is offensive, then “bus boy” has got to be off the charts. What’s the PC term for “bus boy”).

-M

P.S. I know that kids aren’t your thing. If they were, you would be a nanny during your summer vacation instead of a server. Do you know how much those people make to lay by the pool every day?

Stuff You Should Have Told Me

So, I’m sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when a co-worker with a baby a couple months younger than Cambria stops by and drops a huge bomb. The convo went something like this:

Her: How did Cambria’s first trip to the dentist go?

Me: Uhhh (long, probably obvious pause). I haven’t taken her yet.

Her: Oh (disappointing look). But, you are going to do it soon right? You have a pediatric dentist, right?

Me: Of course (my face is now red and I’m searching for a deflection). Did you just take your baby?
Her: Yes, and I was going to tell you that I love my pediatric dentist, so if you need a referral… (It went on for awhile longer before I acted like I was late for a meeting and bailed.)

What the hell, moms? Why has no one told me that you take your kids to the dentist so early in life? My pediatrician has never said this to me, though I mostly hold my mom friends responsible. NEVER have I heard of a child going to the dentist before the age of 3! So I turned to the only source I can really trust (yes, that’s a slam to you, my so-called mom friend) – the Internet. According the American Academy of Pediatric Dentists, not only should Cambria have already been to the dentist, but babies are supposed to go when they get their first tooth! WTF? That was more than six months ago!!

To make matters worse, I am pretty sure that when signing up for health insurance late last year, we opted out of “family” coverage for dental and vision insurance, thinking Cambria wouldn’t need to go. So now what? I can’t pay for an out-of-pocket dentist appointment for her. Plus, what do they even do for a 14 month old? Either way, I don’t like the dentist and my dentist is kinda crotchety, so I probably do need to take her to a pediatric dentist. I am super stressed about this and I blame all of you! Can you not help a new mama out once in awhile?

Update: We do, in fact, have family dental coverage, so I made an appointment at my co-worker’s pediatric dentist. When I called, I asked what they do for a 14 month old (btw, after I told the receptionist her age, I got a little sigh). She said they look around, make sure the teeth are coming in right and even clean and polish them! Who knew!

TSIB!
-M