Tall, Dark, and Role Model Material?

Some days, I wish I could travel back in time. These fleeting moments normally arise when I am feeling overly lethargic or stressed. Back when I played softball in college (remember kids, that was when dinosaurs roamed the earth), I practiced on the field or lifted weights in the gym every day. I was on auto-exercise pilot and it was great.

Now, 10 years later and 15 pounds heavier, I spend on average 7 hours a day in a tiny box that corporate America has blessed me with as my home away from home. Lately, however, my focus is on why I never considered how easily my husband (back when he was just the boyfriend I dated back in college) would transition into my spouse and role model for our children.

From Chivalrous to Childish

Don’t get me wrong. My husband, Ryan, is a tremendous man and a wonderful father. The first things I noticed about him were how beautiful his eyes are, how much he paid attention to me, and how effortlessly he could make me laugh…all of these led to me saying “I do.” Fast forward 10 years and three children later, I’ve discovered there are so many questions I never thought to ask him.

Then: Honey, how are you are able to control your digestive system no matter what you eat when we go out? You are amazing.
Now: What on earth is that smell? Seriously? Grow up. The boys are trying to copy you. Nice.

Then: Hi sweetie. What movie do you want to take me to tonight? Titanic? Really? That is so sweet of you.
Now: If you agree to go to a movie that does not involve nudity or violence, I will unload and load the dishes.

Then: Babe…I can’t believe how early you start your day. Can we wait to go to brunch around 10 o’clock when I am done sleeping?
Now: Shut the *&#@! up or you are going to wake up the kids! Are you mentally off for thinking 7 o’clock is a good time to roll out of bed on a freaking Saturday?

Then: Boy, your voice really caries. Ever wonder why people think we are a good match? (flirty laughter and coy smile)
Now: Is there a reason why you feel possessed to yell at the top of your lungs over the TV that you have turned up to full blast? I literally feel like I am stuck in an airway terminal in my own home.

Then: Would you like me to go ahead and schedule your doctor’s appointment for you dear? I could easily do that and then you would have one less thing to worry about today. I know you’re busy.
Now: How on God’s green earth are you given a management position at your work? NO…I will not call your grandma back on your behalf. I will NOT be the sole possessor of the phone numbers for our children’s school, day care, and pediatrician. And I WON'T ask the waitress to get you a refill simply because “I am better at that kind of thing.” Why? Because I said so!

I would be remiss, however, if I did not give proper credit where credit is due. In our decade of marital bliss, I have been transformed into a wonderful, patient, understanding mom for my 7- and 5-year old boys and 1-year old girl. And I have my 33-year old fourth child to thank for that.

Whatever You Do, DO NOT Sign Me Up

When you think of entering mommyhood, you think of the trips to the zoo, Halloween costumes, baseball games, playing at the park – you know, the memories where everything happens in slow motion and there is lots of giggling and Hallmark music in the background? I’m not saying that doesn’t happen, but what you don’t think of – and don’t prepare for – are the things that employers list as “Other duties as assigned” on job postings. I’m not talking about late night feedings, blow outs or temper tantrums because we’re all logical adults – we knew those things would happen, but we were willing to accept them if they included the Hallmark moments.

However, on the job posting of mommyhood, if they spelled out the “Other duties as assigned,” it would include “You must spend time with other moms, many of whom are crazy and need a reality check.” Though, even then if I would have read that, I still probably would have laughed a little laugh at that line and thought, “Oh yeah, when she’s in soccer, there will be other moms who take it a bit too seriously and yell at the coach or have a really detailed snack list with the do’s and don’ts of what to bring for the post-game snack. I’ve heard all about that, but whatever…” And then Cambria went to daycare and I ran head first into the PTA.

That’s right. There’s a PTA at her DAYCARE!! At first, I was a little shocked, but it seemed to only include e-mail updates, room parents (who are never dads) and a few teacher appreciation events. Yes, the room parent aspect in a daycare (I need to keep reminding you that she is 16 months and not in a public elementary school) was a bit confusing to me, but when I asked the room mom what her job duties included, she said it was to bring cupcakes for the teachers’ birthdays or communicate any room parties or events. Sure, ok, I thought I would wait until Cambria was in kindergarten for this, but if you really want to spend your time icing cupcakes, then go for it.

And then there was Spirit Week. “In observance of Spirit Week, please dress your child in a fun and wacky way each day, following the schedule. Monday is Favorite Character Day; Tuesday is Wacky Dress and Hair Day; Wednesday is Luau Day…” Spirit Week for what? Are the preschoolers participating in a Homecoming football game that I know nothing about? Is there a dance or something I should be prepared for? Cambria doesn’t have a favorite character – well, maybe Big Bird, but that’s a long shot and she doesn’t have a Big Bird shirt. And, there’s no way in hell I’m going to buy her a special Big Bird shirt for her to wear for Character Day at her daycare!

But, nothing prepared me for the cookie dough fundraiser that soon followed:

PTA President: Cookie dough sales are here! Your order form is in your box. Please remember that sales aren’t limited to just you – ask your family, friends or neighbors if they’re interested too.

Me: Are you serious? October Fool’s! You got me.

PTA President: I never kid. I don’t know how. If you don’t take cookie dough sales seriously, I will never talk to you again.

Me: You know I pay every week for my child to be at the DAYCARE right? I mean, I pay really, really well. Why should I ask my friends to buy cookie dough to support a for-profit daycare center?

PTA President: I will cut your kid if you don’t buy 10 tubs of cookie dough.

Ok, so that never happened, but it didn’t happen because I was afraid that would be the ending. Those moms are CRAZY! They spend their time thinking of fundraisers, theme parties, parades and dress-up days for 1 year olds. They’d much rather do a play date than happy hour; watch their baby sleep than take a nap themselves; or do crafts than watch Gossip Girl. I will never get those moms. And I will now read the fine print on “Other duties as assigned.”

TSIB!
-M