Open Letter to Restaurant Servers

Dear Restaurant Servers (because apparently “waiter” and “waitress” is now offensive):

Thank you for shaking your head to the hostess when you see us coming in the door. Thank you for rolling your eyes when you see us sitting in your section. Thank you for acting like my baby doesn’t exist when talking to us even though it says “family restaurant” on all of your signage and menus. And, thank you for being annoyed when my baby snatches the pen out of your apron as you stood right next to her, pretending she didn’t exist. Thank you for making my restaurant experiences after entering mommyhood so enjoyable. I also very much want pack up half of my kitchen so that I can come eat at your restaurant, only to spend the time trying to keep my baby quiet, happy and fed so that I am not a disturbance on you or my fellow diners.

I also want to thank you for setting glasses full of water, steak knives and hot plates within reaching distance (or sometimes right in front) of my baby. Thank you for looking at me with disgust when she reaches for these things because, you’re right, she should know not to reach for these things. I mean, she is 14 months. Thank you for acting put out when I ask for some crackers for my baby to eat. I know it’s hard to grab the already packaged crackers that you serve with soup or salad from right inside the kitchen.

Thank you also for acting like my baby is the only one who makes a mess under her high chair. I know it’s especially annoying since you will most likely not be the one to clean it up, but will snatch up the tip. Thank you for taking forever to bring me the check at the end of the meal. It’s fine that my baby is now standing up in her high chair and screaming – take your time. We are enjoying a night out more than you can imagine.

I especially want to thank you for making a voo doo doll of me when you (presumably) realize I didn’t leave you a good tip. Thank you for assuming that I will leave you a good tip just because I had a baby in tow who made a mess your bus boy will have to pick up (wait, if “waiter” is offensive, then “bus boy” has got to be off the charts. What’s the PC term for “bus boy”).

-M

P.S. I know that kids aren’t your thing. If they were, you would be a nanny during your summer vacation instead of a server. Do you know how much those people make to lay by the pool every day?